Better Than Before

The ancient Japanese art of kintsugi believes taking a broken thing and binding it with gold makes it better than before. Could the same be possible for a marriage broken by adultery?

Stephanie* believes so. Five years after their marriage crumbled, Stephanie AND Jaime continue to strive for a marriage that is better than before.

Neither of them will say it’s been easy, but both will quickly say it’s been worth it.

* Her real name is used with permission.

The Foundation of Their Marriage

Stephanie and Jamie were high school sweethearts. Two years into his four-year commitment with the Marine Corps, they were married. After he completed his tour of duty, they moved back to their hometown in Georgia.

From the start, Jamie and Stephanie made God the foundation of their marriage.

A few years into their marriage, they learned they were expecting a son. Complications with preeclampsia caused Caleb to be born premature and with brain damage.

God Was First

Knowing how challenging public school would be for him, Stephanie chose to home school Caleb. Soon, she was pregnant with a daughter.

Chloe was involved in gymnastics from a young age, but she had to stop when she continued to be too sick to participate. At seven years old, she was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Stephanie began home schooling Chloe in 5th grade because of her health struggles.

By 2010 Caleb and Chloe weren’t struggling as much with their academics or their health, so Stephanie participated in a Bible study at church and Jamie was in a men’s accountability group and volunteering in a jail ministry.

“God was first in our lives. Our marriage was strong,” Stephanie remembers.

Say Yes

Soon Jamie was asked to preach at a church ministry in a trailer park in their hometown. “He loved it, because it allowed him to be the hands and feet of Jesus to hurting people.” God was certainly moving in Jamie’s life.

And in Stephanie’s heart: “My Bible study teacher shared her story about adopting her son. I really connected with it. It didn’t seem possible for us, but something about the idea of adopting a child wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Then on Mother’s Day of that year, the sermon topic was “Why Is It So Hard for Us to Say Yes to God?” Stephanie knew it was time to say yes to adopting a child. Would too few bedrooms keep them from adopting?

Foster-to-Adopt Program

“As soon as Jamie shared his desire to adopt, we started seeing miracles,” Stephanie said. “One of Jamie’s friends invited us to dinner. They gifted us with a check for a large sum of money. We knew that money was to be used to add another bedroom to our house for a child.”

Stephanie and Jamie began going to classes to prepare for fostering children. When the money ran out to finish the extra bedroom, God showed up again. It was finished just about the time they received a call that they were approved in the foster-to-adopt program. A baby boy named Chance was in need of a home.

“Knowing he was born addicted to drugs didn’t change our minds. We just knew he was our son.” They brought him home while the adoption paperwork was processed.

Let His Guard Down

When their pastor – Jamie’s mentor – left their church, Jamie took a downhill turn. He became bitter and turned away from studying God’s word and praying. “He let his guard down,” Stephanie remembers.

One week during Bible study, her teacher spoke about safeguarding your marriage from adultery. Stephanie thought to herself, “That would never happen to me.”

Weeks later, a female co-worker of Jamie’s asked him to cut her grass. “I thought cutting grass for a single female wasn’t a good idea.” Because lawn maintenance was his side job, he went anyway.

Felt Worry or Fear Creep In

When she was paying Jamie for cutting her grass, the woman hugged him in an inappropriate way. This led to an affair. (Stephanie didn’t learn about the affair until six months later.)

During this time, Jamie was gone from home more than usual. Stephanie remembers, “When he was home, he was depressed. I had an uneasy feeling, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was like Jamie was ‘gone.’ He wasn’t as talkative as he usually was. I prayed when I felt worry or fear creep in.”

Chance officially became their son in August of 2013. During that uncertain time, loving on and taking care of Chance brought Stephanie much joy.

Devastating News

Just a few weeks later, Stephanie was at the hospital with Chloe having tests run for a knot on her neck. “Waiting to find out if the knot was cancerous was terrifying. And Jamie wasn’t there. He was at work.”

While waiting at the hospital, a phone call from the owner of the company where Jamie worked brought devastating news: Jamie had been fired because he and a female co-worker were having an affair, which was against company policy. He told Stephanie he’d confronted Jamie about it weeks earlier, but Jamie denied it.

“It was the worst day of my life.”

Replace My Crazy Thoughts with Jesus

The next few days were exceptionally hard for Jamie and Stephanie. “I wanted to hurt him. He should feel my pain. I was so worried about Chloe and now we had to deal with this.”

Jamie admitted to the affair. He repented and asked for Stephanie’s forgiveness. “We immediately began going to a counselor. My mind wanted to know everything. Our counselor wisely directed me to focus on following Philippians 4:8 instead of looking for answers as to why the affair happened.”

“I honestly felt like I was going crazy. Everything about my life felt fake. I knew I needed to replace my crazy thoughts with Jesus.”

Fight for My Marriage

“Even though the pain was deep and raw, I made a decision: I would fight the battle. I would fight for my marriage every single day,” Stephanie shared.

“Learning Jamie broke our marriage vows was like a death. Everything I believed, trusted, and stood up for in my marriage was dead. But God. I knew I had to trust in God and His promises.”

Stephanie admits many tears were shed. “I had to be careful not to fall into bitterness, because forgiveness is a process. Trusting Jamie is hard, but I choose to trust God in him.”

Better Than Before

One of the most convicting parts of their counseling was when their counselor showed them a picture of a road diverging into two paths.

“She said we had a choice to make: the path of divorce that is painful and uncertain and would likely destroy our family. Or the path of restoration that would be hard, but our love could be restored and our marriage could be even better than before. Which would we choose?”

They made a decision to restore their love. With the hope of their marriage being better than before, they decided to do the hard work.

The Repair Is Not Instantaneous

The Japanese craftsman who pours the liquid gold between the broken pieces of pottery knows the repair is not instantaneous; rather, it takes time for the gold to adhere and be strong enough to make the pottery better than before.

Such is the way of restoring a broken marriage. It takes time. As the liquid gold of God’s healing does its slow but sure adhering and strengthening of their marriage, Stephanie and Jamie were grateful to celebrate their 22nd anniversary recently.

The Road that Leads to Restoration

Stephanie knows restoring her marriage is a day by day fight against the enemy. It’s never letting your guard down. She believes, “Overcoming is being able to keep going after a struggle knocks you off your path. We are back on the path, and we’re choosing to travel the road that leads to restoration.”

Because she is determined to fight for her marriage, she has recited and prayed Joel 2:25 hundreds of times. It says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten . . .”

A healthier, stronger marriage and family is proof that God is repaying what Satan meant to destroy.

Leave a reply (below): When you’ve been broken to pieces, how have you allowed God to bind you back together – stronger and healthier than before?