Living in Two Extremes
The stigma of having a mental illness is nothing compared to living in two extremes day after day for more than a decade. Tiffany*’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder in 2000 finally gave explanation to the weeks of darkness mingled with the weeks of adrenaline-pumping ‘conquer the world’ feelings she’d been experiencing.
* Her real name, used with permission.
Strange and Unexplained Feelings
A crippling anxiety attack one night was the first sign something wasn’t right. The doctor prescribed antidepressants, which sent her into a severe depression. This was the first of many jobs she lost due to missing work to deal with her severe depression.
Tiffany knew she couldn’t manage her episodes of mania and depression alone, so she sought help. Her doctor encouraged her to see a psychiatrist and prescribed a different medication. She took the prescribed medication, but hated how it numbed her world.
The chart below describes Tiffany’s extreme feelings when she is in a mania episode and in a depression episode. A person with bipolar disorder can swing from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes or can get stuck in depression or mania for weeks at a time. Doctors believe bipolar is a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.
As you read the feelings listed below, imagine yourself in those shoes and think about how they would impact your day to day life.
Wearing a Mask
Tiffany wanted to work, but she knew missing so many days of work to deal with her episodes of depression wasn’t fair to any employer. She applied for disability benefits and was approved. When the first disability check came in the mail, she realized God would indeed take care of her.
She admits to wearing “a mask” of who she really was for years for fear of what others would think of her. She was convinced she was alone in her struggle, but when she finally built up the courage to talk about it she realized those beliefs were a lie.
Tiffany found a counselor and began talking about her daily struggles while learning ways to function with her bipolar disorder. Allowing others to help with her children and daily chores when she was experiencing severe depression or severe mania was something she slowly accepted.
“My bipolar disorder affects everyone I love. My children grew up in an unstable environment. My husband loves me, but we did separate several times as living with the ups and downs of bipolar is very challenging. I’m thankful to say we’ve been married twenty-five years despite our struggles.”
Her Turning Point
Ten years after her diagnosis, Tiffany experienced severe suicidal thoughts. The pull to hurt herself was so strong. “While I was having those thoughts, I asked God to help get me off my medication because all the different medications I’ve tried have only made my depression worse.”
She learned valuable lessons about how a suicidal person feels incredibly helpless and powerless. Her brush with suicidal thoughts became her turning point. “I decided I wasn’t going to be defeated or defined by bipolar disorder.”
A Different Treatment Plan
Through research and changing a few habits, her current treatment plan is working better than any pharmaceutical medication she’s taken. She eliminated artificial sweeteners and incorporated more natural foods in her diet. Exercising regularly helps clear her mind.
Writing in a journal has been very therapeutic for her as it keeps negative thoughts from rolling around in her head and hindering her. Listening to worship music fills her mind with positive thoughts.
When Tiffany experiences depressive episodes, she reminds herself that she will have a better day soon. “I just dig in and get back on track.”
Battlefield of the Mind
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Tiffany also makes time daily for Bible study and prayer. One day during her quiet time, she read James 1:8: “Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”
The verse took on new meaning as she thought about how her bipolar disorder is like being double-minded. She envisioned the person with God on one shoulder and the devil on the other. She was tired of being unstable in all she did.
Tiffany has learned so much about winning the battle between the two forces on her shoulders from Joyce Meyer’s book Battlefield of the Mind. Meyer teaches, “Your mind plays an important role in your victory.” Overcoming a chemical imbalance in her brain (mind) is Tiffany’s day to day battle, but she believes she will experience victory.
Mental Illness is still much of an unknown and scary situation, yet it is there for many people. Glad she could find a method that works for her.
I think a lot of people hide mental illness. It’s sad that it affects people this way, but I love to hear stories about people pulling through it. Great story!
Such a journey Tiffany has been on and so awesome how she continues to fight daily and overcome! “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty, whose power no foe can withstand.” Psalm 91:1. May God bless you and help you remain stable and fixed as you trust in Him.
Glenda, Jeff and Cindy,
Thanks for the encouraging words for Tiffany. The Bible verse you quoted Cindy is so applicable to Tiffany’s challenge. Thanks for sharing!
Tiffany, I pray that you will feel the arms of the Father during your down times. Father, I pray that you will instill in Tiffany a completeness that passes all understanding. Bless her immeasurably Father so that she will know it is you!
Such an encouraging story! Thanks for sharing!
I was encouraged on so many levels through your story. Bipolar is a HARD illness to manage. You have learned some great coping skills…some that I plan to be more regular with: excercise, diet, consistent time with the Lord and rest. As with any illness, self care is important. Just so you know…I get it. It’s big but it’s certainly not bigger than God.