No More Violence

A single mom of two, Jill*, is one of those 70 percent of women who has experienced sexual and domestic violence in her lifetime. To put it in tangible terms, seven out of ten women you know have been victims of abuse. Her scars may be visible, but likely not.

*Her real name is used with permission.

Violence at an Early Age

Jill was hurt as a child; hurt from not being loved, cared for, or protected. She was sexually abused numerous times as a child, first by a female cousin and later by her father.

To say Jill’s family was well-off was an understatement. But beneath the mountain of money was a cavern of dysfunction that was quickly swallowing the family.

Jill’s mother was also a victim of sexual abuse as a child, rendering her paralyzed when she discovered her husband was inflicting the same sexual abuse on their daughters. Stability was a foreign concept to Jill, who attended sixteen different schools before graduating high school. She now believes they moved so often to “get away” from those who suspected abuse.

Jill’s older brother intervened when she was fifteen years old, calling the police to make them aware of the abuse Jill and her siblings were enduring. Thrown into foster care, these strangers provided a safe haven from the abuse. But knowing her parents were never prosecuted for their crimes left Jill appalled.

It seemed as if her parents’ wealth came in handy at just the right time. Jill left the foster care system when she was eighteen.

 Red Flags

Soon after leaving foster care, Jill moved in with a close friend and met Nathan (not his real name). An unexpected pregnancy resulted soon after. Nathan’s drug addiction was a “red flag” for Jill, so she broke it off with him.

“Red flags” waved boldly when Mike (not his real name) entered Jill’s life several years later. At that time, Jill bought into the love and attention Mike showed her.  He took her to nice places and bought her a new car when hers was not repairable. She didn’t like her job, so he encouraged her to quit, leaving her completely dependent on him.

But abuse was lurking behind the love and attention. The beatings started with a belt. Then, he began kicking her in the stomach while she was pregnant with his child. Jill found herself in yet another abusive relationship.

Leaving Isn’t That Easy

While the abuse was at its worst, Jill often thought, “I’ll just drown myself (in the tub). How easy it would be to just slide into the water and end it.” After months of fending off the abuse, she made the decision to leave and took her two kids with her to a women’s violence shelter.

Nine months of protection afforded her the strength, knowledge and assistance to ensure she would never return to another violent relationship. An attempt at living on her own and going to college was short lived, however.

As much as Jill wanted to be self-sufficient, she couldn’t handle all of it on her own. Moving in with Mike seemed like her only option. The abuse was absent until Jill confronted him about sleeping with one of her friends. In her anger, she began hitting him and even pushed him forcefully off the porch. His responsive violent attack on her, causing her to fracture her skull, was her turning point.

 No More Violence

“Either I am going to die from his abuse, or I am going to kill him,” she decided while packing her things. This pivotal decision occurred four years ago. She was determined there would be no more violence in her life.

Since then, Jill has a place of her own to raise her kids, a steady job working in the child care industry, and volunteers at a domestic abuse shelter. She is working on a degree in social work and has been in a healthy relationship with Greg (not his real name) for the last three years.

Reflecting back, Jill realizes the extent of the abuse she suffered. Her decision to use this tragedy for personal growth is inspirational: “I was addicted to having a relationship, at whatever the cost. Now I’m happy to be alone or in a loving, healthy relationship.”

Less than a year ago, Jill’s father was convicted of sexual abuse for other children he molested. In an effort to heal from her past, Jill has met with him and forgiven him. Even though it’s been a difficult process, it has helped her heal.

Breaking the Chain of Violence

Jill knows how difficult it is to leave a violent relationship, but she offers advice to other women who are ready to take care of themselves and their children: “Get help, even if you aren’t ready to leave right away. Work on a safety plan in which you know exactly where you will go and who can help you. There are women’s violence shelters everywhere. They want to help you.”

The Violence Against Women Act was first enacted in 1994 and was reauthorized in March of this year. This act protects victims and prevents abuse, as well as strengthens the legal action that can be taken against perpetrators of sexual and domestic abuse.

Speak your mind: Abuse is oftentimes passed down from generation to generation. If you know of any women who have been victims of violence, briefly share her story (please don’t use her real name) and what she did to break the chain of violence.