Warrior Woman – Hear Me Roar

 

 

Warrior Woman – Hear Me Roar

Teres’sa* is definitely a warrior woman. She and the other warrior women at the sexual abuse counseling center where she works adopted the motto “Hear Me Roar!” to remind them to be outspoken about and fight for victims of sexual abuse.

* Her real name, used with permission

You see, Teres’sa endured years of sexual abuse at the hands of her adopted father. She knows the pain, the loneliness, the shame, the far reaching tentacles of abuse. And she is passionate about helping others who’ve also endured sexual abuse to find healing.

Bounced From Foster Home to Foster Home

At the tender age of 5, Teres’sa’s grandfather fondled her and made her touch him. Just a year later, her father was killed in a semi-truck accident. A few months went by and her grandmother, whom she loved dearly, passed away. Emotionally, Teres’sa was a mess.

Teres’sa’s mom, just eighteen at the time, was then arrested for prostitution. The Department of Welfare learned her young children were home alone without supervision or food while she was in jail. Teressa and her siblings were taken from the home and then bounced from foster home to foster home for several months. Her mother never tried to regain custody of her children.

By the time Teres’sa was 9 years old, she and her younger sister were adopted. Malnourished, not taken care of, not provided adequate clothing, and scared are just a few words Teres’sa used to describe this new family environment.

How We Show Love

Within 8 months of their adoption, the sexual abuse started – first fondling, and then penetration. Teres’sa remembers her adopted father saying, “This is how we show love. This is the way a man shows a woman love.”

The feel and the smell of this love couldn’t be scrubbed away, leaving Teres’sa feeling filthy and ugly. “Even to this day, certain smells remind me of the abuse,” she shares.

The abuse occurred as punishment. AND as a reward. “If we (Teres’sa and her sister) made our parents mad, they would physically and sexually abuse us. If we did something right, they would abuse us as a reward. If we wanted to go somewhere or buy something, the abuse would be the means of getting it. It was very confusing.”

Around age 12, a male cousin walked in the barn when Teres’sa was being abused by her father. After she cleaned up, he said, “What your daddy is doin’ to you ain’t right.” Teres’sa thought about his words, but she didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.

Loved You Enough

She trusted her 7th grade teacher, so she built up the courage and shared with her about the abuse she’d been subjected to. Not only did her teacher not believe her, but she also said, “You shouldn’t be lying about your parents. You should be proud they loved you enough to take you in and put a roof over your head and clothes on your back when no one else wanted you.” (She later found out her teacher was her father’s third cousin.)

By the time Teres’sa returned home from school, her parents had been told about the “lies” she’d been telling at school. While her mother held down her naked body, her father brutally raped her. Afterwards, she was beaten with a leather strap with a lining of thumb tacks and then forced to spend the night in a locked closet.

Teres’sa made a promise to herself that night: never to speak of the abuse ever again. And she kept that promise until she was 43 years old.

Pay For It

A short time later Teres’sa misbehaved and as punishment, her father demanded she watch while he raped her sister. He made Teres’sa get a stick from the yard, and then he shoved it in her sister’s vagina so as to put splinters in her. The rape was so severe her sister had to be taken to the hospital.  When the doctors questioned her father about the stick, he replied, “She was playing outside, jumped off the porch, and landed on the stick.” Teres’sa was sickened at the fact the doctors believed her parents.

Threats of the same punishment being done to her were issued if she said anything to anyone. Again, she remained quiet. She recalls feeling God put her in this family/these situations and didn’t help her.

The sexual abuse became a daily occurrence between the ages of 13 and 17. Teres’sa recalls a time around age 14 when her father made her wear lingerie and be his “girlfriend” at motels.

When Teres’sa was 16, a boy asked her on a date. He father said she could go, but would have to “pay for it” when she got home. After the date, she was made to strip down so he could smell her down there to make sure she hadn’t had sex with her date. Then, as promised, she had to please him.

Didn’t Know How to Fight Back

That same year, Teres’sa became pregnant by her adopted father. A forced dating relationship began with a 21 year old man with the instructions to have sex so they could get married and claim the baby was his.

When Teres’sa and the man refused to comply, her father beat her in the stomach to cause a miscarriage.

Sneaking around with Ken (not his real name) when she was 17 led to Teres’sa running away and getting married at age 18. Four years later, they had a daughter. After her daughter was born, Ken began abusing drugs and became controlling.

He felt she was giving their daughter more attention and treating him as if he didn’t exist. She would disassociate when she was being beaten as she didn’t know how to fight back.

She endured the abuse for 6 years before ending the marriage in divorce.

Hadn’t Dealt With the Abuse

Over the next 14 years, Teres’sa remained single. She met Steve (not his real name) and became pregnant with her second daughter, but they did not stay together.

Because she still hadn’t dealt with the abuse or her PTSD, she spun into a deep depression and attempted to commit suicide three times: by driving into a lake, by driving into a tree, and by putting a gun to her head. She remembers thinking, “My kids would be so much better without me. I have too much baggage.” After cocking the pistol, she felt compelled to go look at them while they were sleeping. When she did, she knew she wouldn’t want them to wake up and see her like that.

In desperation, Teres’sa threw the gun in the pond and called her brother. He drove hundreds of miles to pick her and her youngest daughter up, insisting they move in with him. She quickly found a job, but she still struggled with depression, excessive crying, not sleeping, and aches/pains.

Have to Get Help

A year or so later, she met Alan (not his real name). They married and blended their families. An episode 6 months into the marriage left everyone in shock and confusion. Alan’s son had a crew cut like Teres’sa’s adopted father. When her step-son put his head in Teres’sa’s lap, she had a flashback of being abused by her father and in response, she threw the boy to the floor and began beating him. After pulling her off his son, Alan became very upset.

Alan demanded, “What are you going through? Talk to me.” She was horrified at her actions, but admitted she didn’t remember beating his son.

She began to have more flashbacks, as well as nightmares and night terrors. Alan brought her a list of psychiatrists and said, “If this marriage is going to last, you have to get help.”

With the explanation about her symptoms, her general care doctor prescribed an anti-depressant and anxiety medication. Experienced enough to know their must be a root cause, he also asked, “Did something happen to you as a child?”

Teres’sa broke down and realized she couldn’t keep her promise any longer. At age 43, she admitted she’d been physically, verbally, and sexually abused as a child. In addition to the medication he prescribed, he strongly recommended she get counseling.

Confronted Her Adopted Father and Mother

For the next 3 years, Teres’sa participated in counseling at the Shafer Center for Crisis Intervention. Once she’d finally admitted she was sexually abused, the memories flowed. It was exhausting, but healing.

A year into counseling, she confronted her adopted father and mother. Her mother expressed regret for not protecting Teressa and her sister, but she felt she was forced to participate. Her father, on the other hand, never admitted he did anything wrong nor apologized.

During their conversation, her father began complaining about having to move into a nursing home. She quickly responded, “You can go there OR go to jail as I have enough information to get you convicted. You decide.”

I learned she pays for her adopted father’s nursing home bills, as well as having paid off all his debts. When I asked why she would do this for the man that abused her, she said, “If I didn’t do it, no one else would take care of him.” She also shared that she has chosen to forgive him so she could move on with her life, but she will never forget all the years of abuse.

A Passion and a New Path

Teres’sa began going to church again after having a lengthy conversation with a local preacher and his wife. She came to the realization God allowed those horrible years of abuse so she could help others in that same situation. It gave her a passion and a new path to take.

Volunteering at the Shafer Center became an important part of her healing and recovery.

When she finished counseling, she returned to college to pursue a degree in social work. She graduated with her Bachelor’s degree at age 50 and decided to start working on a Master’s degree. Ultimately, she would like to earn a Ph.D. in Psychology and Social Work.

Alan supported her educational pursuit, but it soon put a strain on their marriage. He claimed she pushed him away and was always trying to analyze him. Just a few months shy of graduation, they split and divorced. “I truly loved him. It was so hard. But I was determined I wouldn’t get in another pit of depression,” she remembers.

Share Her Experiences and Wisdom

She has worked at the Shafer Center for Crisis Intervention as a victim’s advocate for sexual crimes, abuse, and assault for the last 6 years. Developing a program for the Department of Human Services titled “Relating to Sexually Abused Foster Children” enabled Teres’sa to share her experiences and wisdom with foster parents who foster children who’ve been abused.

Speaking at various events in different states gives her the opportunity to reach a larger audience about this important issue. Additionally, Teres’sa has worked diligently and pushed to change the law in Mississippi from a 7 year time limit to unlimited time limit to prosecute for statutory rape and incest.

For those who have been sexually abused, Teres’sa offers this advice: “You are not alone. Others have been where you are and have overcome. You can, too. Believe in yourself and God. And most importantly, get the help you need.”

Leave a reply (below): A childhood of love and safety was taken from Teres’sa. She could have dwelt on the wrongs done to her, but she didn’t. Instead, she fought to overcome and now supports other victims of abuse as they fight to overcome. The title “Woman Warrior – Hear Me Roar” is definitely fitting for this strong woman!