Who Am I?

Robbin* doesn’t remember not knowing she was adopted. Her adoptive parents, who couldn’t have children of their own, provided her a wonderful, loving home.

For those of us who were raised by our biological parents, there is an innate sense of identity.

My older son has the same blue eyes I have. My younger son cannot deny he inherited his head of wild curls from me. As a result, both of my sons can distinctly identify with me.

* Her real name, used with permission.

Who Am I?

For Robbin, “Who am I? Who do I belong to?” became questions that needed answers. It would take 16 years to get those answers.

In her early 20’s while pregnant with her son, the desire to know who she really was drove her to search for her biological parents.

After interviewing with a psychologist and social worker, Robbin was given non-identifying information about her biological mother. Her biological mother’s name was protected since it was a closed adoption, but Robbin did learn she didn’t have any significant medical conditions.

She Loved Me

A short time later, a court appointed ad litem provided her biological mother’s name and last known address. Robbin processed this new information. “It was so fulfilling to know I wasn’t abandoned. She loved me,” she remembers.

Satisfied with what she’d learned about her birth mother, Robbin stopped searching. But questions still lingered: Did she remember me on my birthday? Did she ever try to find me? Do I have siblings?

Birthdays went un-celebrated for several years, because Robbin felt this hole in her heart. She decided to begin the search again when she was 36. A private investigator looked at the address Robbin had been given years ago and said, “I know where that is. I grew up right around the corner from there.”

Three hours later, he found Robbin’s biological mother. He told Robbin, “I’m not going to give you this information yet. I want you to think about.”

Pandora’s Box

“I’d been given the golden key. It also meant I was likely to open Pandora’s box in her life,” Robbin remembers.

If she’s married, will her husband know about me? Will she be open to receiving me or will she reject me? How is she going to feel about meeting me after all these years? What is it that I ultimately want from her? were the heavy questions that consumed Robbin’s thoughts.

Finally . . . after several months of thinking about it  . . . Robbin called the phone number she’d been given. It was disconnected. Undeterred, she wrote a letter to her biological mother, which would be delivered to her mailbox on Robbin’s 38th birthday.

Robbin hoped her birth date would still be a significant date for her biological mother.

Life-defining Moment

Upon opening the letter, Robbin’s biological mother read the first paragraph of introduction and skipped to the end to locate Robbin’s contact information. Robbin’s husband at the time answered when she called to speak to Robbin. He directed her to call again when Robbin would be home from work.

Emotions swirled as Robbin waited for her biological mother to call that night. Her husband heaped on negative emotional energy when he handed the phone to her and said, “One more thing to distract your attention away from me.”

Nothing could spoil this life-defining moment for her. She responded, “If that’s how you feel, this is a battle you will lose.”

Robbin and her biological mother talked for four solid hours that night. She explained that no one knew about Robbin (named Jeannie at the hospital), because at that time in the early 1960’s a bi-racial child would not have been accepted. She promised to send pictures, and Robbin sent her pictures as well.

Ready to Meet You

A business trip would be taking Robbin near her biological mother’s home a couple of months later. “I’m ready to meet you,” Robbin’s biological mother (Gen) told her.

During the three hour drive there, Robbin processed her emotions and expectations about meeting her biological mother. Upon seeing Robbin she said, “When I look at you, I see myself.” Robbin also met her half-brother Chris, but Gen wanted to protect him so she told him, “She is a child of a nurse friend that I helped put up for adoption.”

Hours of talking into the night ended with Gen singing lullabys to Robbin. The next morning Gen confessed, “I can’t believe you wanted to find me. I did such a terrible thing.”

You Chose to Give Me Life

Robbin quickly responded, “If you’d done such a terrible thing, I wouldn’t be sitting here today. You chose to give me life. You didn’t have the stability or support to raise an interracial child. If you hadn’t made that sacrifice, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Reassuring her biological mother caused Robbin to feel as if they’d traded roles – she was the one protecting and encouraging her mother.

“Did my biological father know about me?” Robbin asked. “Yes, but he didn’t have any involvement in making the decision to put you up for adoption. I only saw him once after your birth, because I moved to a different city,” Gen replied.

Robbin enjoyed spending time with her biological family, but she cried all the way home. “It was 38 years of not knowing who I was. It all finally came together and now I know who I am,” she remembers. It brought her the closure she needed.

It All Makes Sense

Just before Mother’s Day, Gen gave Chris the letter Robbin sent her. After reading it he replied, “I think it’s special. I have a story I can share.” Thankful for his acceptance and not rejection, Robbin was eager to also meet her half-sister Carin a month later.

Carin sat for a moment processing everything before saying, “It all makes sense now. Mom is very secretive, but she kept talking about you. In December when she visited me, she seemed different. It wasn’t just her husband’s passing. The sadness was more than that. So I just asked her if you were baby Jeannie that died. Mom said yes and that you weren’t dead, but alive. Growing up, she told us you died in a car accident.”

She went on to say, “You were the secret she kept from us. I have a whole new level of respect for what she did. It helps explain the alcoholism and depression mom fought for years. It all makes sense.”

It was heart-wrenching for Robbin to hear this information, but it helped her understand how Gen dealt with and grieved after her adoption.

Robbin asked Carin, “Are you OK with me being bi-racial?” Carin quickly responded, “We need a little diversity in our lives.” Her words showered Robbin in acceptance.

 Husband’s Alcoholism and Abuse

Robbin dealt with her husband’s alcoholism and abuse for years, but it wasn’t until Gen stepped in to help that Robbin experienced her mother’s love and genuine concern. Drawing from her own experiences and her 17 years of being clean and sober, Gen coached Robbin about what it meant to be an alcoholic and how Robbin couldn’t fix her husband’s alcoholism.

Robbin’s husband said, “She’s interfering in our relationship.” Robbin confidently replied, “It’s taken too many years to find her. I’m not going to let anyone or anything take her away from me.”

Unfortunately, his alcohol abuse and verbal/physical abuse continued. They divorced three years later.

You Are My Daughter

When Robbin was 46, just 8 years after meeting her, her biological mother Gen passed away after battling cancer. Before she passed, Gen said her dying wish was for Robbin to find her biological father.

Two years later, Robbin wrote a letter to the man she believed to be her biological father. After reading the letter, he called Robbin. Robbin shared who her biological mother was, when she was born, and how she was put up for adoption. She told him, “Gen said you are my father.”

He replied, “I had no idea. I need to talk to family about your call, but I promise, you are my daughter.”

Nine months later, Robbin met her biological father Tommie.

Robbin’s question of Who Am I? finally had a complete answer.

Paying It Forward

Robbin has firsthand knowledge of the blessings and struggles of being an adopted child. She could hold these experiences close to her chest, but she instead chooses to share them in hopes of helping those children and parents who are going through the adoption process or are already adopted.

Robbin is paying it forward by connecting with adopted teens at Bethany Christian Services. She and a licensed social worker facilitate two six-week sessions a year where she shares her experiences as an adopted teen.

Additionally, Robbin is involved with The Girl Connection where she and a licensed social worker provide quarterly half-day group sessions. The adopted girls can discuss/ask questions regarding adoption.

“I didn’t have an adoption support group when I was growing up,” Robbin shares. “Being a part of this group is very fulfilling. I get to give back.”

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Robbin discovered that because her biological mother Gen worked as a nurse at a hospital, she easily could have chosen to abort her. But she didn’t. Instead, she gave Robbin life.

A biological mother named Mary Hines said, “Adoption isn’t a birth mother’s rejection, but an unconditional love that inspires her to put herself last and do all she can for her baby.”

Thoughts?