Will to Live

“When my will to live outweighed my will to die, everything changed,” Donna* shared. “I finally realized I was spiritually sick. I needed God in my life.” * Her real name is used with permission.

When My Addiction Started

Donna’s parents divorced when she was twelve. By thirteen, she was smoking pot and drinking alcohol on the weekends. “My mom worked all the time, so I could do whatever I wanted,” she remembers. When she was sixteen, she went to a doctor about the pain in her arms. He diagnosed her with carpel tunnel syndrome and prescribed Vicodin and Percocet to help relieve the pain. “That’s when my addiction started. The drugs made me feel like Wonder Woman – I felt like I could do anything.” At eighteen the carpel tunnel syndrome pain worsened, so Donna underwent surgery on both hands. Pain killers were prescribed. Again.

Woke Up the Beast

“My addiction continued after the prescriptions ran out. I took to the streets to find drugs that would offer the same numbing effect.” A friend introduced her to heroin, convincing her it was cheaper and better. “I used it every day. No one knew I was using drugs daily as I was functioning and maintaining my normal lifestyle. I lived this way for years,” Donna remembers. The friend who introduced her to heroin overdosed and died when Donna was 24 years old. “Her death didn’t encourage me to stop.” When Donna became pregnant at age 27, she stopped using drugs and smoking cigarettes. “The doctor prescribed pain killers after I gave birth to my daughter. Even though I’d been off drugs for a while, taking those pain killers woke up the beast of addiction.” “The drugs would quiet my mind,” Donna remembers. “I never dealt with anything. Instead, I would stuff my feelings way down deep inside. I used the drugs as a coping mechanism.”

Drugs Controlled Her

Over the next few years, Donna was arrested for stealing and public intoxication several times. While her boyfriend  Kevin (not his real name) worked, she got high. “He didn’t know for the longest time. Finally, he figured it out.” Her addiction had such a hold on her that she encouraged him to try the heroin. “I thought if he was doing heroin, he wouldn’t care if I was, too.” One time when they were both using, Donna fell asleep in her food at a restaurant. She and Kevin were arrested for public intoxication. Kevin was sent to a treatment center and worked to get clean. Donna worked to get clean while in jail, even passing the drug tests for several months. But it didn’t last long as the drugs completely controlled her.

Three Overdoses

Over the course of the next few years, things fell apart with Kevin. Donna reconnected with a guy she knew from high school. They began using together. Three overdoses occurred over the next two months. “The first time was in a Kroger parking lot. Sitting there, I prayed I would die because I felt so hopeless.” A couple of days in jail didn’t slow her down. When this guy friend from high school overdosed and died, it didn’t make her want to get clean. Instead, she numbed the pain of losing him with heroin and overdosed. “When I woke up, I was so disappointed the drugs didn’t take me out.” Her body’s need for heroin overtook Donna’s will to live. The third time she overdosed, someone called the police. She spent the next seven months in jail. “I was determined I was going to do right once I got out.”

Things Got Worse

When she was released from jail, the need for drugs pulled her back into the cycle. “Things got worse really fast. My body was physically addicted, so I’d start having withdrawals if I wasn’t using every four hours. I was stealing, lying, and manipulating people to get drugs.” “Along the way, I forgot how to live life. I forgot how to show any emotions.” Donna reflected back on that time in her life: “I didn’t think I had a problem. Everyone else was the problem. I was so self-centered and selfish. I didn’t care who I hurt. If they stood in the way of me getting high, I moved them out of the way. I never took responsibility for my actions. Drugs were my master.”

Spiritually Sick

A little over four years ago, Donna decided she was tired of living that way. Tired of fighting. She called her lawyer and asked to appear in court to face all the charges for breaking probation. The court assigned her to the substance abuse program at The Healing Place in Louisville, Kentucky. For the first three months, Donna wouldn’t admit she had a drug problem. “After a while, I started listening to what the sponsors were saying. I realized I was spiritually sick. And I needed God.” The program opened her eyes to how the drugs had taken away her life. “I didn’t know how to do life. I didn’t know what skills or abilities I had. Hobbies? What were those?”

Will to Live

It took Donna seven months to complete the substance abuse program. “When my will to live outweighed my will to die, everything changed.” God was at the top of her list of who she resented, and it was time to deal with that pain. “I didn’t understand why He would allow me to live addicted. Reconciling the fact that drugs were my higher power instead of God broke the resentment I felt.” One of the wise sponsors she worked with said, “If you miss the spiritual piece of this process, you’ve missed the whole thing.” Seeing how God worked in their lives made her believe He could work in her life, too.

Seek God Every Day

As Donna slowly put her faith and trust in God, her will to live grew stronger and stronger. A pivotal moment in her journey was when she understood God had forgiven her past. “My desire to use is long gone. I actively seek God every day. In the morning, I thank Him for waking me up clean and sober. And I thank Him at night for helping me remain clean and sober during the day.”

 

A Serious National Crisis

According to a January 2019 update on the National Institute for Health website: “The misuse of and addiction to opioids—including prescription pain relievers, heroin, and synthetic opioids such as fentanyl—is a serious national crisis that affects public health as well as social and economic welfare. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that the total ‘economic burden’ of prescription opioid misuse alone in the United States is $78.5 billion a year, including the costs of healthcare, lost productivity, addiction treatment, and criminal justice involvement.”   Donna was part of this statistic. After many years of living in addiction, she entered treatment with the determination to destroy the beast that controlled her. Finally, her will to live outweighed her will to die. Clean and sober is her daily goal. One she’s met every day for the last four and a half years!

The Healing Place

Because there are others just like her who need the same opportunity she was given, Donna began working at The Healing Place as a peer mentor. Then she transitioned through several roles, each time gaining more confidence and skills. She now works as an operations manager at The Healing Place. “I didn’t know I was capable of doing anything,” Donna shared. “Now, I can share the gift of healing from addiction with other women.”

Always Hope

“I don’t depend on anyone to take care of me. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a house, a dog, and eight sponsees. My life is full, and I am healthy.” Donna’s trials and struggles made her stronger. And wiser. She learned, “There is always hope. Lean on that higher power.” She offers this advice to those who are living in addiction: “There is a way out of addiction. You have to be willing to change. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it.”

Leave a reply (below): Check out this quote by actor Samuel L. Jackson: “I understood, through rehab, that creating whole people means knowing where we come from, how we can make a mistake, and how we overcome things to make ourselves stronger.”

How has overcoming life’s tough challenges made you stronger?