When the majority of couples say I do, their intentions are to stick together for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Divorce is the last thing on their minds when they seal their vows with a kiss. But, divorce unfortunately happens to some married couples. It’s never an easy decision. And marriages rarely dissolve easily or quickly.

Jenna* never intended to be divorced, but she is. Even though her mom had been divorced, she believed it wasn’t an option for her. But after many difficult years of marriage, she finally came to the conclusion it was the best decision for herself and her daughter.

* Her real name, used with permission.

Pregnant with His Child

His skin color mattered little to Jenna when she met Charlie (not his real name). His good looks, honesty, and having similar interests were far more important to her. Until she admitted she didn’t want to deal with telling her parents she was dating another black guy. It hadn’t turned out well with the first guy. So, she broke up with Charlie.

A couple of years later, they got back together. He’d changed. Lying and using drugs were his new norm. Jenna knew those were red flags, but she ignored them because she loved him. He broke up with her this time, saying it would be best for her.

Several months later, she learned she was pregnant with his child. Having the father be a part of her child’s life was important to her, so they got back together. By all appearances, Charlie seemed excited about having a child. Except enjoying the single life didn’t go well with helping care for a baby. Thankfully, Jenna’s parents helped a great deal.

A little over a year after the birth of their daughter, Jenna and Charlie married.

You’re Married to an Addict

Years into their marriage, Jenna sought counseling. She asked Charlie to join her after a few sessions, because his behavior was a large part of their marriage problems. The counselor hit it head on when he said, “Jenna, you do know you’re married to an addict.” It was shocking news to her because she didn’t know he was still using drugs. The counselor’s words angered him, and he never went back.

Jenna stayed married to Charlie despite their problems, because she believed in marriage. However, every few months Charlie would give her reasons to question her commitment: a DUI or an unexplained broken car windshield or lying about his job/the money he spent/who he was hanging out with. Sometimes he’d be gone all weekend with no explanation. Drugs and the lying that became necessary to cover up the drug abuse took first place in Charlie’s life. Not his wife. And not his daughter.

Twelve Step Program

After many years into their marriage and several attempts to get clean, Charlie checked himself into rehab. Jenna knew it was her chance to get the support she needed, so she attended the Twelve Step Program meetings by herself. Being with other people who had loved ones who were addicted to drugs was helpful. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel alone. Going back to church was another form of support she knew she desperately needed.

The director of the rehab facility called a month before Charlie was due home and said, “He’s ready to come home. He’ll be going to church with you.” What the director failed to say was Charlie had been kicked out of rehab for having an affair with another patient. Jenna didn’t learn about this until much later.

When Charlie returned home, he joined a local Twelve Step Program and was assigned a sponsor. Jenna began to feel there was hope with Charlie’s recovery and their marriage. Until he decided he needed a different sponsor. His new sponsor did help him stay clean, but Charlie replaced drugs with spending all his time with his group. Excluding Jenna completely. Jenna fell to second place again. Going to movies and dinner or coffee together every night with his group became more important to Charlie than including his family in his recovery.

Living as Roommates

Almost nine years to the day of their marriage, Charlie left. With no explanation. Stunned and feeling alone, Jenna went to her usual Twelve Step meeting. She left after being told Charlie had shared with his fellow addicts that he and Jenna were just roommates. Roommates? Really? Nine years of marriage was nothing more to him than living as roommates?

Hurt and angry, she confronted Charlie. “I thought you knew that. Fine. I’ll leave,” he said. “I never loved you. I only married you because my grandparents told me to. I’ve been using you for the last ten years. You bring everybody down. No one will ever want you. Your daughter and I are better off without you. I’m leaving to be a better person.”

Stick and stones do break bones. AND words can hurt you. Charlie’s words hurt Jenna. They wounded Jenna. They devastated Jenna.

Two weeks later, Charlie came to visit their daughter. Jenna couldn’t hold back her tears. He asked, “Why are you crying?” She built up her courage and said, “The things you said hurt me.” He laughed and said, “That was two weeks ago. You haven’t gotten over that yet?”

Looped Like a Cassette Tape

No, in fact, she hadn’t gotten over those hurtful words yet. “His words, his hurtful words, looped like a cassette tape in my mind. Over and over and over,” she shared. “From that point on, those words, which I believed, affected every relationship I had. Those words impacted my performance at work to the point that I got fired. I believed those words because they constantly looped in my head.”

With Charlie living on his own, Jenna immersed herself in God. She opened her heart to God – the good, the bad, the broken. Her heart slowly began to heal, but she knew she had to get that tape recording out of her head. She began trauma counseling. It took two years of counseling to erase that tape in Jenna’s mind.

Even though they no longer were living together and he clearly didn’t acknowledge they were married, Charlie refused to be the one to file for divorce. Jenna’s deep-set beliefs in marriage kept her from filing. It took five years after those dreadful words Charlie spewed to change her mind. “One Sunday morning at church I was sitting by myself. I felt these words on my heart: You need to get divorced so he can do right by his daughter.” The weight had been lifted, so Jenna filed for divorce.

How He Loves

A year later, Jenna attended a Joyce Meyer conference. The depression and pain she’d been carrying since the divorce was replaced with joy. David Crowder’s song How He Loves replaced Charlie’s hurtful words with new words of love and acceptance in the cassette player that looped in her mind. She now loops this song on the days she needs reminding that God’s love is truly all she needs.

“Even though the marriage and divorce to Charlie were painful, I wouldn’t have the close relationship with God that I do if I hadn’t gone through those struggles,” she shared as we ended her interview.

 

Leave a Reply (below): Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind is one of my favorites, because it teaches the importance of not allowing negative thoughts or words to take root. It took years, but Jenna learned that truth. Have you allowed negative thoughts or words to take root in your life? If so, share with us how you tore out those destructive roots. What have you planted there instead?